Friday, 10 March 2017

Weight Loss: The Illusive Epiphany

Hey Gurl,

Like many, I once again have found myself taking the first step onto a weight loss journey. Previous 'journeys' have been pretty short to say the least. I mean a few were probably equal to a journey on an escalator. Oops. Regardless I persevere.

Now I'm sure I'm not the only person who has sat watching 'Obese, a year to save my life' (or other such weight loss programme) with a bar of chocolate in one hand and a long list of excuses coming out of my mouth as the chocolate went in. It's so easy to make excuses; 'I can't afford a personal trainer', 'I don't have the time', 'Mmm, but chocolate?'. I do it all the time! I am a human excuse mill and trust me, I can get creative with them.

But! In every bloody programme these people always seem to have this 'turning point' some ethereal happening that turns their brain from fat brain to thin brain. That one thing that kicks them into gear and they 'never look back'. Does this epiphany actually exist?!

I've struggled with my weight from around 11 years old. Up until that point I was a healthy weight. My mum always made sure our diets were balanced and we ate healthily. Unfortunately spending more time at friends' houses, having sleepovers etc led to a change of taste somewhat.

I've been aware of my weight since that age. Which, is sad really. I've almost always hated my body, there's always been something not right and I've struggled with my weight since. Maybe though, I don't hate it enough? What makes that person click and not look back? I can't help but wonder if it's even a thing or whether hindsight has a part to play.

Currently I'm attempting to de-flab but only because it's probably best. There is no part of me that WANTS to choose an apple over a packet of crisps, it's more that I know I should. The only WANT I have is to be thinner, none of the in between. I don't think they'll ever be a part of me that feels more satisfied with a satsuma at the end of a working day over a bowl of chips. Does anyone?!

Losing weight in my opinion is a minefield. It's a corporate fuelled, overly complicated feat that can make you feel like you've failed before you've even begun. I can personally say giving up smoking is easier than losing weight. Weight loss comes with a mass of opinions and studies and products that leads us to either feel hopeless or simply confused.

I have faced a huge amount of challenges in the last few months which is one of the biggest reasons that I am trying to lose weight now. If I have faced them, why can't I face this? I'm not following any certain diet, simply limiting my calorie intake and by no means am I exercising. Going from sluggish junk food fiend to Olympic, clean eating athlete is far too much pressure in one go.

Essentially I'm consuming less, the weight is currently dropping off. In order for me to make sense of weight loss I've had to abandon the idea of 'sense' altogether. I'm not going to follow a complex diet of measurements and points. I'm not going to weigh myself (and haven't). I am my measure.

If we are to measure ourselves on others we will miss our own successes. If we throw ourselves into the lions den of over complicating weight loss, we will be eaten. Fuck it. Maybe I am my epiphany. We are our own epiphanies. It doesn't feel as sparkly as I expected but it is what is is.

After everything that has been thrown at me recently I have come to one realisation; I and only I am responsible for my happiness, my health, my choices, my failures and my successes. If I don't do it, no one is going to do it for me.

What do you think? xx


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